The Advanced Soul

I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change

An excerpt from Dr. John Demartini’s latest book, “The Heart of Love”:

There’s a funny off-Broadway musical called I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. Sound familiar? Have you ever thought you’d found the perfect mate and then spent the rest of your relationship together trying to “fix” him or her? Futile, isn’t it?

The moment you project onto other people and expect them to live according to your values instead of their own, you label them as “bad” (or some version of that, such as a judgmental “lazy,” “sloppy,” or “rude”). You think they need to be changed, and you’re just the one to do it. After all, you’re the one with the “right” values, aren’t you?

Maybe you’re starting to think that all you have to do is find someone with the exact same values system as you, and then everything will be just peachy. I’ve done my research, and I can assure you that no two people ever have exactly the same value systems. They’re as unique as fingerprints and voices. We can compare this to a principle in physics called the Pauli exclusion principle: No two quantum particles, or people, will ever have the same quantum numbers or representation of the universe.

That puts a challenge in relationships, doesn’t it? Everyone sees through different eyes, and still we must interact with others who have totally different expectations. As if that’s not challenging enough, we then compound it with something else.

If Joe attempts to live some idealism that society, his culture, or his family may have imposed, he’ll be uncertain of his actual values. He’ll act as he “should” instead of being himself. If he then meets Carol and becomes infatuated, he’ll put her on a pedestal. He’ll assume she has her life put together more than he does. He’ll think that somehow his values are wrong and hers are better.

Have you ever done this-questioned yourself and started trying to change to please someone else? When you start putting someone on a pedestal, you tend to inject their value system into yours. Then you hear yourself thinking, I really ought to be doing this. I should do that. I’m supposed to do this. You try to live by someone else’s value system-but you still have your own-and you have internal conflict. You live with moral dilemmas and imperatives.

Perhaps instead of putting someone on a pedestal with infatuation, you put someone in a pit with resentment. As another example, let’s say you’re walking down the street and spot a homeless person, avoid him, and think he is less than you are. You minimize him, rather than exaggerate him. Instead of injecting his value system into yours, you project your value system onto him. You think, He ought to get a job. He shouldn’t be asking me for money. He’s supposed to contribute more to society! You don’t see him for who he is ultimately and the service he contributes.

How often have you done this sort of thing? As long as you’re “shoulding” on yourself with others’ values, or “shoulding” on others with your own values, you’re spending futile energy. Remember, the hierarchy of your values dictates your destiny. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Envy is ignorance and imitation is suicide.”

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Posted under: Happiness, Relationships, Enlightenment
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