March
2007
Great Expectations
Wouldn’t it be better if we just let go, and let people be who they are? Then we’d be able to see them as they are — with all their beauty and goodness in which we take joy, and with all their faults which we can also see in ourselves.
I was blog surfing the other day and came upon a blog where someone wrote about how they followed these particular blogs and read them and they were so wonderful to read that they added them to their blogroll. And then the person left a comment on a few of their so called favorite blogs and the blog authors did not respond to their comments - ever. So her entire post was spewing on and on about how rude it was, and now she hated them and would take them off her blog roll and never read them again. I thought about the insanity of those statements because when/if I offer a comment on a blog it is simply to offer a comment or opinion, not with the intent to receive a response from the author. And if they do respond, it is a nice bonus, which adds to the discussion but completely unnecessary in my opinion. I was about to offer my own two cents worth, but decided that would probably not be very wellreceived.
But isn’t that just like us? We have such great expectations of other people. We expect if we leave a comment, to have it responded to, from somebody that we don’t even know. We expect if we give someone a gift, to be thanked. We expect if we do someone a favor, that they be just as willing to do us a favor when called upon. We expect when we are waiting in traffic to turn left, that the other drivers should just stop and let us go because that is what We would do in those same circumstances.
We expect these things because that is how WE would react. But each person acts and reacts how he/she does. Not how we do. Once we realize and accept this, our rate of disappointment and annoyance decreases incredibly.
We should be doing things for the sheer joy of doing them. Not to be thanked. Not to be acknowledged. Not for any type of external recognition, or reward. We should be doing acts of kindness out of pure unconditional love. When we act out of this pure love, there is no thanks necessary because that feeling itself is more than any word or gesture from another could provide.
I think this is especially true with our inner circle…family, close friends, spouses, romantic partners, etc. I think most types of conflicts within these relationships arise out of unmet expectations.
So the next time you are upset because someone didn’t do, or say, or react a certain way, try to step back and smile and think to yourself that you did what you did, not for the external reward, but for the intrinsic satisfaction that it brought you. And their thanks or acknowledgement, while a plus, is unnecessary because you acted out of pure love. And you will find peace in knowing that you simply accepted them as they are, not expected them to be how you want.
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Happy Saturday morning Meredith and Greg. I think much pain is spared when you don’t expect people to act or think the way that you do. If you make assumptions, there are times you will be very disappointed…
Many times a gift should be just that, done without any reason but to give, with no expectation or thought of return.
Pure love and pure kindness just seem to flow, with no thanks necessary, as you said.
Other times, in order to develop and maintain healthy relationships, a balance of reciprocal give and take is very important.
I think it depends on the circumstances…
I will often leave a comment on a new blog I like and not expect anything in return, it is just my way of saying hello, and acknowledging what I enjoyed…
But if I comment for a month or so, and nothing is said, not to me on the persons blog, nor have they come to visit mine and comment in return, it does not seem to me to be that my time/effort/thoughts are being valued.
And I prefer to be with people who prefer to be with me, each interested in each-other’s cyber lives/thoughts and supportive of one-another.
It is always a choice…
Blessings to you…
Wonderful article. You expressed your thoughts very well. Yes, to do things with no expectation of reciporcation is truly the way to live a less stressful more free life. The truth is that all that you do comes back to you in one way or the other, so every kind act, thought, etc. is paid back and usually ten fold of what you gave.
Give freely and you will freely live.
annie, oh yes everything depends upon the circumstances and i wasn’t talking merely about the ‘cyberworld’. it just struck me when reading that. we place HUGE expectations on people every day…loved ones, cyber friends, even strangers. so i think it is just wise to constantly check one’self and our motives to make sure we are doing things out of pure intent, not for some ‘magic reward’ or recognition.
mark, thank you. i guess it does come back to you, but i cannot even focus on that because then that can become the motivator. just be, just do, just Live with the least amount of Ego as possible. The mind gets in the way of so much…i try not to use mine very often
Thank you. Expectations do guarantee disappointment, and are unfair for the person we expect to act/react in a certain way. The craziest part is that often we won’t even express our desires, but expect them to know what we want anyways! It does seem to take away from the purity of an act of kindness when something I wanted in return.
yes when we expect others to mind read, or try to read the minds of others…it does create quite the sticky situation. I am learning more and more each day to simply DO and then drop it…let go of all expectations, expected consequences, let go of EVERYTHING. I am learning to let go…
Did I mention I am learning to Let Go?
thanks for your visit Brian.
I agree that it is best to live life without expectations. But part of the interconnectedness of the grand design is that we have to rely on people. I need someone to get their part of the project done. But like you said not everyone has the same value system as I do. I believe the guy that says he’s going to call after the date or the friend that says say wont ever hurt you again. But often it’s the different value systems that end up hurting one another. I’ve often asked myself the question “Should I allow this person, whom I love and accept for who they are, to continually hurt me because they can’t be what I want or need?”
Sometimes it’s the no expectations that can hurt you. I may not expect someone to let me through in traffic so while I wait patiently, I get rearended. If this happens enough as a species we learn to expect it. It becomes a form of self preservation. It may even become instinctual.
I don’t usually respond to the comments on my blog. I LOVE reading them, but I kinda feel like what I had to say was my text and the comments are the area for my readers to offer their opinions and discuss what I had to say.
karen, thank you for sharing your thoughts…and i do think that the key is to not place expectations upon people…to let them be who they are without wanting or expecting them to be anything else. but sometimes we must come to face that we can no longer remain in the same types of relationships with people…that placing expectations, or ‘helping’ them isn’t really helpful, and more like enabling. so as painful as that can be to realize, sometimes we must remove ourselves from constant contact and close relationships with certain people in our lives.
and as far as the traffic example, I still believe that if you ‘think’ you are going to get rear ended, you will. Your thoughts are creating that reality. Even if you fear getting rear ended, you can create the reality as well. I know this not from reading it in a book, but from my own life experience…I created a certain type of reality in the past, and now I choose to create a different type of reality.
Every day we wake up and make choices…
thanks again for your visit.