January
2007
Listening With My Ego
A couple days ago I was driving around listening to the Oprah and Friends channel on XM Radio. My wife had told me about this station and it is really cool. It is filled with amazing speakers, therapists and doctors talking about uplifting and positive things. Anyways, a therapist was answering questions from callers and I was astonished at how perceptive she was. I know she is trained to listen, but from the caller’s simple question, she really went straight to the hear of the problem and you could hear that the caller knew it. My wife is like that. She is an expert listener in my opinion. So this got me thinking, what does she got that I haven’t got? And then it came to me! I listen with my ego most of the time!? What the hell? Now that I think about it, I seem to care more about what I am going to say, to look good or have a good response, than what the other person is saying.
That was quite of revelation for me I must say. I know some people who don’t hear a damn thing I say, they seem to only care what they are going to say to top my story. And I don’t like to be in conversations like that. One of my friends called them “one-uppers”. And now I realize that I am doing that. I seem to get this itch when somebody is talking. Something pops in my head that I know sounds really interesting to relate to their story. And so when they are done speaking I say it. Or sometimes I interrupt if it is reaaaaaallly interesting because I can’t wait. So I feel I look good after saying this stuff. I suppose this is a response to me feeling insecure and unworthy.
So how can I stop listening with my ego and start listening with my heart? Just acknowledging this is a start. Today I will pay close attention to this and see how it goes. I guess I’ll write this on my white board in my bedroom, “I listen with my heart when others are talking to me”. I read the board several times a day and it helps keeps me focused on my present goals and dreams. Anyways, if anybody has any ideas, please comment below. I need all the help I can get! 
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This is a great practice, Greg, and it sounds to me like you’re going about it in the right way. The most important thing, as with any such practice, is to remember to do it, so keep it up on that board and write it down any other place you can as well. We were taught a practice very like this at my practical philosophy class. The idea is to listen with your full attention till the other person has finished speaking and then leave a short pause before speaking yourself. Then the theory goes that if you are really there in the moment, then the words will come into your head if it is appropriate for you to speak. The words will be there without any necessary forethought. Unfortunately I haven’t yet managed to trust that much! But at least one can listen, not interrupt, leave that pause, and then speak, and perhaps get a feeling for whether the words are designed to serve the other person or one’s own ego!
And now, of course, my ego desires confirmation that these words have been helpful. Life gets tricky, doesn’t it?
That makes good sense Simon! Yes, I confirm that your words were helpful and I will try that out.
Thanks!